Blockbuster Syndrome

You may remember shopping here:

Do you notice anything odd about this picture?

Look closely.  Through the window.  What do you see?

If you said, "there are people inside that store!" then drive down to the local Sonic and purchase yourself a sundae in celebration, because you are right!

I'm waiting for the day these people finally teeter into bankruptcy and never emerge. 

And it will happen. 

Yeah, I know that almost all businesses will one day cease to be due to the passage of time, but Blockbuster will cease to exist long before the demand for movie rentals ceases to exist.

I think of Blockbuster the same way I think of AT&T and Dell.  Blockbuster had a product everybody wanted, and grew to need.  But they didn't win by being the first to rent videos.  They did it by seeing what local video stores were doing, and created a monstrosity that was guaranteed to kill off the existing competition.

And how could the local stores compete?  Why, Blockbuster had 50 copies of "Drop Dead Fred" on the shelves!  You were practically guaranteed that you would find the movie you wanted, because, if they didn't have "Drop Dead Fred," then they had "Ishtar" and "Soap Dish" that you had thought about watching, but now had an excuse to pick up a copy because you were already in the store. 
However, as the patrons began to use Blockbuster, they began to discover a few annoying things about it. 

"Ted promised to drop off the movie last night, but left it in his car and Blockbuster is charging me an arm and a leg in late fees."

"I swear I dropped this movie off, but Blockbuster says that it is missing and now they're charging me a lost tape fee."

On top of that, they had the disappearing deals.

"If you come to the store and we don't have 'Three Kings,' we will give you a free rental of that movie!"

"No more late fees!"

They made these deals sound permanent, but it wasn't long until they quietly disappeared and left perplexed renters standing at the counters wondering "what happened?"

Maybe it was legitimate protectionism that Blockbuster was engaged in, but it became a bit of a hydra.  It wasn't quite as bad as AT&T, who would suddenly do away with a long distance plan that you signed up for 3 months ago, notify you of this on page 7 of your bill, and start charging you the flat 10 cent per minute rate so that you would be surprised with a large bill the following month.  Nevertheless, Blockbuster started to amass the bad will of the public in the same way that school yard bullies can beat you up for your lunch money:  you were forced by law to attend school, and so it meant your choices at recess were to either hide in the bathroom the entire period and have no friends and be laughed at as the weirdo who hid in the bathroom the entire recess period, or you can take your chances in trying to use the playground equipment. 

Blockbuster knew how to seclude themselves off in the Ivory Tower and beat back the barbarian hordes.

Then, one magical day, Netflix arrived.

There were no late fees!  The prices were reasonable!  I can ask for a movie and actually get it instead of playing roulette with what is on the shelves!

AND

They aren't complete bastards!

Netflix, combined with Redbox, were like the barbarian tribes who steamrolled over Rome in its last days.  Blockbuster was worried about combining forces with those up and comers called Radio Shack because they got it in their head that their customers actually want to shop for a $300-$1,000 piece of technology while picking up a copy of "In Her Shoes" for date night, and have only the teeny tiny selection buried in the back of a video store to choose from.

Sadly, there were not enough hoarders and bipolar impulse buyers to keep that venture going, so it folded.  Netflix pushed forward and looked ahead to what people would be doing within a few years, and their business grew.  Soon, people were freed of the schoolyard and finally had somewhere else to go.

And why do I mention that?

It's because its what happened to the legal profession.

Legalzoom and form books helped kill off a lot of our business because it was a monopoly.  Even if people don't understand where the money is going, they see that they're written a check with money that could have paid bills or bought a car and watched as some burnout who hadn't returned their calls over the last month, roll into court and put on a half-assed display.

And maybe its the system in general that wears the attorney down.  Day after day of craziness.  Sometimes, the legal system can be a bit Dickensian in how it dispenses justice.  So, even if the attorney had the best intentions and things still turned out shitty just because of other factors, it still plants the seed in people's minds as to why they are paying us to do anything.

Free Labor

Do you need a job upon graduation? Internships and Networking are the answer. And don't forget perseverence. You'll finally be marketable by the time you finish that 11th internship.

PBS Does a Story on Underemployment

Per PBS Newshour, half of college graduates under age 25 are working in a job that requires a college degree.

In the Spirit of "Stuff White People Like."

A Newsweek story about What Food Says About Class in America, tells us that the problem of obesity in America can be placed mostly upon the lower-class who ruin their bodies with fast food and pre-packaged groceries because of social policy that makes farmer's market foods too expensive to be purchased by the underprivileged.

(To fully understand what Newsweek is trying to say, see Stuff White People Like categories #132, #119, #112, #94, #90, #63, #59, #48, #6, #5, #1).

Why would I write something about eating habits in a blog about the law?

Well, many of the people who hang around these blogs are on public assistance, or those who come home after a day of work and shove that Little Debbie chocolate round into their guzzle before watching some TV and surfing dating websites for their latest 3-month long relationship (it takes some people that long to figure out that you are neither a millionaire, nor that simply changing what area of law you want to practice is going to turn you into a millionaire. Some might take longer to dump you and the relationship will last until shortly after you start meeting their family and the feedback from Aunt Sally start flowing in as she can't figure out why their niece is dating an attorney that drives a beater), I felt I would share my big "what the f**K?" reaction that I got from reading the content of the article.

I have to give a hand to the author of the article. They go for the kill and start with the absolute first thing on the list of "Stuff White People Like" in less than 10 words into the blog.

That's right. Coffee. And not just coffee. Cappucino. It's the kind of coffee-based beverage that normally needs a $700 machine that snobs insist is absolutely essential to bring out the "true" flavor of the bean. However, in this case, the author settles for a $200 Alessi Pot which apparently works just fine for a morning cup o'joe.

As this author describes the world, the Maxwell House krewe, who are denied Quinoa and macrobiotic cooking classes, are forced to either choose between the stinking, rotten piles of fruit foisted upon them by Walmart, or must go to McDonald's. Apparently, inner city grocery stores only take the reject fruit that is "too good" for its other customers and do not have a frozen food aisle. Therefore, the solution is to bring farmer's markets to the inner city, as their 9am-1pm hours on every other Saturday morning are convenient for all, and will provide enough sustenance to get the hapless through the next two weeks.

Ok, I might be hung for bagging on a good idea. Yes, to give everyone access to locally-grown organic materials is wonderful, but its the faulty logic of the article that gets to me.

In essence, the article says, "We can save [certain people] from themselves by trucking in organic bananas, and suggesting in a sensitive, but non-controlling, way that they should stop eating at McDonald's and start eating like the high-minded Europeans."

Yes, that's right. Obesity will be a thing of the past if only we brought farmer's markets to the inner city.

There is something interesting missing from this article.

Some of you who watch The Travel Channel or the Food Network might know what's missing in this article.

Yes, turn on either of those channels and see shows to see smiling faces hovered over two-foot long hot dogs from Mel's Greasy Spoon that are filled with a 1/2 lb weiner, chili, 4 kinds of cheese, and onion rings that are coated in Panko, deep fried in bacon grease, then coated in graham crackers and topped with marshmallows and chocolate. To make it a meal, you can ask for a bloom onion that is coated in honey barbeque sauce and served with blue cheese and ranch dipping sauce, and a the superfunkalicious malted milk shake, specially poured so that there are layers of caramel and whipped cream between layers of homemade ice cream.

Competing for bragging rights are chain restaurants. Yes, drink a soda or couple of mixed drinks to wash down about half of a loaf of bread and a plate of fried pickles and cheese sticks before the 1,000 calorie main entree rolls out.

Yes, hold up a McDonald's cheeseburger and marvel at the cracker-thin wafer of a patty held between buns smaller than a dwarf's ass, and ask yourself, "is this truly the cause of obesity?"

Yet, nobody bags on chain restaurants. Why is that?

Is it because this food perceived as "special occasion food" earned by a d a privileged and deserving group who worked hard all week? Is it because it's owned by Mr. and Mrs. Geezer and not a faceless corporation? Is it because those sorts of places conjure up good memories for the target demographic where they spent many afternoons or evenings going with their friends at least twice a week and seeing other faces like theirs around the restaurant that were bespecaled by black rims and that were hashing out "serious" topics like why aren't there more dog parks in the neighborhood?

You'll never see McDonald's on an episode of "Man vs. Food" because, chances are, the portion is still small enough that the majority of people could finish it, and that its cheap enough that you won't feel as bad leaving half of your french fries on the tray. It's not like spending $12 on a sandwhich that will, at best, only remain half-eaten by a reasonable person who will be in pain for the rest of the eveningm, or will cause gawps of disbelief at those with guts huge enough to hold the entire monstrosity.

Yes, in spite of the fact that fast food restaurants were brow-beaten into giving up frying things in lard or super-sizing french fries and drinks because of one too many news segments showing exhausted 30 year olds lugging their massive, jiggly bellies covered in sweatsuits and muu-muu's down the street, it is a bit curious that barbeque huts and diners are absolutely ignored when applying this standard because asking them to make healthier choices such as cutting portion size or doing away with the 7 lb quintuple meat barbeque sandwich smothered in Swiss and topped with beer battered jalapenos, and served with an over-flowing plate of steak fries and a 10 scoop of Kahlua ice cream banana split that measures a foot tall robs the consumer of an "authentic" eating experience.

Ok, maybe you're not exactly convinced that there are just some really bad eating habits out there, so let's forget restaurants for a minute. If you went to a Thanksgiving potluck, did you see many dishes that consisted of just "plain old" green beans, or "plain old" vegetables? No. That dish was magically morphed with the aid of Velveeta, mushroom soup, and a stick of butter into a magical dish that friends smacked their lips over.

Not that I'm any better when it comes to cooking habits, but it makes the point of the pointlessness of why San Francisco feels the need to remove toys from Happy Meals. Even if you watched Super Size Me, and rightfully feel that over-consumption of McDonald's can destroy your liver, would Morgan Spurlock's argument carry the same weight if he decided to go on a 30 day food bender of renowned dives across the US that had "infamous dishes" on their menu?

It's easy to hold your nose in the air when it's a place you already don't go to, and is associated with clientele that you tend not to hold in high regard. The fact that a city like San Francisco thinks it is their business to eliminate toys from Happy Meals implicitly says something about the way they think about the people they think they are trying to protect.

However, it is an admittedly complex issue because we all end up paying for our food choices. If a person has to get thousands of dollars in health care because of knee surgeries, complications of diabetes, and heart attacks, that cost is spread amongst everyone, whether it be private insurance or Medicaid or Medicare. Admittedly, there is a temptation to go through the restaurants and make them cull their menu of nasty offenders because its hard to watch sluggish people who don't have any energy because of obesity lug around. But what can you do? Nutrition classes?

Merry Christmas! And a Highly-Indebted 30 Years!

This lucky lady is going to have to pay back $200,000 for an undergraduate degree!

What $200,000 in Student Loans Looks Like.

She's asking for donations from the public. Ummmm....yeah. I can't get that excited over sending someone a dime for an undergraduate degree. Is Northeastern University worth that much? Even if it was OK, something tells me that I would be sending money to cover the cost of 4+ years of jello shots and pizza. It's a lot easier to manage your costs for undergraduate degrees simply because that person can knock out course credits at community college or arrange their schedule so they can work.

Put Your Hands Down, Fools!

It was bad enough in law school having to sit through "intellectual exercises" thrust upon us by overly-zealous students who think they are now qualified to teach the class. However, you could understand their zeal just a little bit because they drank the same Koolaid as the rest of us and thought that there was still time left to work their way up the ladder and get that letter of recommendation from Professor Ascot that will give them a prestigious clerkship with Federal Judge Senior Status.

What I don't understand is attorneys who are well-established shit law attorneys who think that shooting their hand up and asking bizarro pseudo-intellectual tangent questions during CLE being given by the one Cooley Grad who wasn't working as the parking lot attendant at the hotel is going to finally get them places.

S**t Rolls Out the Door

Tonight, I was reminded what a terrible, terrible place shit law can be.

And sometimes, the shit overfloweth so much that it needs to be swept out of the door.

Literally.

An ex-paralegal shared a story of one firm that she worked at for several years. As is typical with the power structure of a sizable percentage of shitlaw firms, the firm is helmed by Dickensian misers who earned their money -- not from their vast and impressive legal knowledge that set the wrongly accused free and set new precedent that left the Supreme Court stripping themselves down to their tighty whiteys and 18 hour support bras -- but by selling a large volume of services with reduced overhead costs and a sizable markup.

One weekend, the gods didn't feel like there was enough shit law being created in the office. To fill the quota that made the difference between whether the boss would go to Cancun or to New Zealand on the latest biannual vacation, Osiris thundered from beneath, causing the sewer to back up and create a mess in the hall and kitchen.

When the mess was discovered the following Monday, it was not a special cleaning crew with rubber suits and special chemicals that were called to remove the biohazard that lurked in the hallway. It wasn't even the managing partners that threw themselves upon that stink bomb of a grenade while chivalrously saving the ladies from harm. Yes, mes amis, why on Earth would you call a professional and unnecessarily pay more money to clean out shit you are already paying a support staff $10 an hour who are already pros at taking your shit and shoveling it out the door onto unsuspecting clients? Yes, why not? The office staff comes properly equipped for the job of sewage removal since they each have two working arms to work mops and brooms. Women are genetically engineered to clean sewage because they have cooked and cleaned since caveman days. They also have special E. Coli-resistent high heeled shoes that will provide the backs of their legs a two inch separation from the waste even though their leather-covered tippy-toes dance so tantalizingly close to that corn and peanut riddled graveyard of feasts from days gone by.

Ah, but only if we had the ability to shovel a pile of this effluent and trot it before a room full of aspiring 0 L's! It's time for them to see the physical evidence of what most of their working careers are going to look like. Maybe 5 members of their little group will be running about the halls of Congress or taking a break in the firm gym at 3am when they are in between writing their 8th summary judgment for the day. The rest of them will receive the honor of working in portable buildings or offices that look like they are the waiting rooms of 3rd world physicians.

That is, if they find a job at all.

"Sirs and madams. Do you see this bucket of pallid water with what looks like coffee grinds in the bottom? This is what the staff of a law firm actually cleaned off of the floor of their office after the sewer decided to make a deposit and the lead partners decided that hiring a professional crew of cleaners was not in the budget. They were given the choice of finding another job or taking a mop in hand and getting to work. The good news is that their mopping activity meant that they got to delay going to the dry cleaner's to pick up the boss's suits for a little bit. And before you tell yourselves that you need to shovel a little shit at the beginning of your career to 'make it' within the law and that you have to do this sort of thing to prove your worth as a valuable employee, stand not amazed when a contributor to the clean up effort quit at some point in the future when they found another job and were replaced by somebody who agreed to work $3 an hour less than they were making. Have a nice day."